Five Upcoming "But Why, Though" Movies

You’ll notice two theme with this list that are not likely to surprise you — remakes and Lifetime.

Why, oh, why.

1. The Unauthorized Full House Story

If you grew up in the 1980s, then chances are you watched Full House, the saccharine-sweet TV sitcom about a dad raising his three daughters with the help of two of his friends. Lifetime, in it’s ongoing work of releasing untold stories no one actually wants to know, is putting out The Unauthorized Full House Story. Lifetime’s recently released cast photo is one of the most horrifying things I’ve seen. Seriously, my heart beat speeds up every time I look. I’m certain the Tanner family is going to murder me in my sleep.

Here is the photo of the original cast to cleanse your eyeballs.

The original Full House cast (~1987).
The original Full House cast.

2. Jem and the Holograms

I confess to being mildly excited about the idea of a Jem and the Holograms movie, when I first heard about it. I was obsessed with the cartoon as a kid and even dressed as Jem one long-distant Halloween, strumming my very own pink plastic guitar. But all of that excitement faded as soon as I saw the trailer.

Gone is the magical transformation of an ordinary girl into a superhero rockstar, replaced by a blah story of a girl getting famous and selling out her friends only to realize “what’s really important’ and through learning gets to have both friends and fame — because we all know that’s how it ends, right?

Jem and the Holograms (~1985)
Jem and the Holograms (~1985)
Jem and the Holograms (2015)
Jem and the Holograms (2015)

3. Point Break

Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze and their bromance chemistry are what make the first Point Break, ridiculous movie about surfer dude bank thieves, work. In a way, I get why movie execs thought this was a good one to remake — heist movie plus extreme sports sounds like a perfect combination to grab the attention of teenage and twenty something boys. But all I see is a generic action movie with dud heroes. None of them have the fame or appeal that Reeves and Swayze did in 1991 (but then, I’m also no longer a teenager).

Point Break (1991)
Point Break (1991)

4. Big Trouble in Little China

Big Trouble in Little China is getting a remake and … no. As great at Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as an action movie star, just, no.

I’m of the opion that cult classics in general should not be touched. Their weird and messy and imperfect, and that’s what makes them awesome. Cleaning it up with shiny modern CGI just strips away the oddities that made the original fun. It’s almost impossible to out-weird the weird of the original.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

5. A Deadly Adoption

Apparently, Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig are making a Lifetime made-for-TV movie. I hope they are playing it tongue in cheek and as more of a satire, which is the only way I can imagine them wanting to do it. Actually, this is the only movie on this list I might actually watch. Even if its not meant to be funny, it’ll be funny.

A Deadly Adoption (2015)
A Deadly Adoption (2015)